On a Lighter Note - How Unfair is This?

My husband Dan went in for a check-up the other day, and came back with strict instructions from his doctor to eat a bowl of ice cream before bed every night.

Those who know Dan know that he’s a little on the thin side. This year he burned some extra calories fixing up and re-selling an old house in downtown Dayton, so he really needs to put on a few pounds.

I have a hard time feeling sorry for him.

Dan can eat an entire sleeve of Oreos in one sitting and wash them down with a giant glass of milk, and not gain an ounce. All I have to do is look at them and I’ll see the affects on my hips the next morning. With swimsuit season looming, I’ve just started my annual routine of running an extra mile in the afternoons, watching my caloric intake, and being perpetually cranky, all the while adding whole milk, bacon, sausage, pasta, ice cream, and peanut butter to my grocery list for Dan.

I suggested that we go on Oprah to get advice from Dr. Oz, but Dan wasn’t crazy about the idea.

Anyway, I have faith that our love…and a few bon bons…will get us through this difficult time. In the meantime, because I consider myself a bit of an expert on weight gain, I’ve compiled the following tips to help Dan out. If you can think of more, send me your comments!

1. Don’t eat because you are hungry. Eat whenever you feel excited, antsy, depressed, angry, or bored.

2. Graze. Leave open containers of potato chips and candy sitting around and just grab a handful at a time.

3. The drive-through is your friend.

4. Get second and third helpings of all my delicious meals…or grab a Hot Pocket out of the freezer when I’m not looking.

5. Follow the time-honored Southern tradition of frying everything!


Yeah right! Like I'm owning up to this!
Comment
Cakes....
Reply #1 on : Wed April 02, 2008, 21:02:23
Wow, that dirty rat! Totally unfair! Generally, I'm with you, Rachel. I've come to consider the wise saying, "a moment on the lips, forever on the hips" as a golden truth. It seems that there is actually an inverse relationship between the amount of time and energy I expend at the gym and the flab index of my butt! Even more ironic is the fact that I can lose fat from every other part of my body (includeing those few areas where losing fat is actually undesirable) which means that the relative size of my caboose actually increases as the rest of me decreases. Talk about relativism! What's a girl to do but re-read Bridget Jones (in which Daniel Cleaver assures Bridget that men want women "with an a** they could park a bike in,") turn up the self-esteem boosting Baby Got Back and attempt to further the cultural phenomenon inspired by trampy singers who celebrate having "junk in the trunk" that will "make you drunk?"
Yeah right again!
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Cakes...
Reply #2 on : Wed April 02, 2008, 21:03:52
Before I got on that rant, I was going to suggest cake to Dan, hince the subject.....and beer. Drink more beer.
Micah
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Heh
Reply #3 on : Thu April 03, 2008, 17:14:42
Dan's still an Oreo freak? Not surprised.

Just don't let him make you coffee. His "double decker" almost ruined my life.
Amalia
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Re: On a Lighter Note - How Unfair is This?
Reply #4 on : Fri April 04, 2008, 17:27:29
We can go on and dr oz can give dan advice and then give joey and i advice on how to eat inexpensive, low-cholesterol meals for two. I think oprah would take us.
Katrina W
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YUMMY!!!!!!
Reply #5 on : Tue April 29, 2008, 21:00:21
Just reading your list has made me gain 10pds!!!! All the good food I run from and grab a celery stick instead. As for bathing suit season....well, that's an adventure all on its own!

I have those guy friends where they just eat and eat and nothing happens....so lucky they are!

Anywho, hope your oreo eating husband listens soundly to you and gains some pounds!!!! :-p

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